Briefly coming out of my self-imposed exile to say rest in piss you fucking ghoul, burn in hell forever

That is so, so rough. I'm really so sorry. I can't imagine how that must feel. I'm glad things are better now. I think working on it is important for sure. May things improve for you as well, comrade. I hope both of our futures are brighter than our pasts. Everyone's in this thread, tbh.

That's extremely sweet of you to say. The details make it hard to be kind to myself but I will try to be. You are clearly a very caring person

I am so sorry to hear that you were treated like that as well. She sounds like she really made your life a confusing hell for a while. I was gaslit in a previous relationship and now again into actual legal trouble so I really feel for you. I just don't understand what compels people to do these things. Like it hits a point where it goes above and beyond simply 'lying'.
I don't know whether I'll get to have a journey to peace but I hope I do. I hope yours becomes much smoother and easier.

Thank you so much for your kind words. Tbqh, @FourteenEyes if i had listened to you in my last breakdown thread, I wouldn't be in this mess. You're a kind person. I should have listened.

Thank you :(

That's extremely sweet of you to say. I hope you would feel the same way if you had all the details but I don't think everyone would. I feel so, so terrible now. I was misled into believing I was doing something good, and fell in love with a persona created just to trick me into doing something wicked. I've already lost a friend over it, and am in serious legal trouble. Serious enough to destroy my entire life if it goes as badly as it could. It's so much worse than what I can let on will make it seem.

Thank you very much. I don't think they will, but stranger things have happened. This is the worst situation I've ever been in in my life, easily.

I'm so sorry, comrades. She was lying to me. So badly I could be in real trouble. And I believed every word.
I might not be around for a while. We'll see. I feel like I've let everyone in my life down, all because I believed someone's lies.

Love a dark & stormy. Rum and ginger is a good combo, plus the name... appeals to me.

on a scale of 1 to this how fucked up over someone are you tonight

So sorry to hear that you've been struggling with drinking again, I know that's a really tough thing to deal with (I fell off the wagon literally yesterday). I hope that circumstances in your life become such that the drinking no longer feels necessary.

Also hell yeah about the past two years being the best of your life. That's amazing, comrade. I hope the next two are even better.

Doing very, very poorly. Haven't gotten through a day without multiple breakdowns in over a week. I can't even tell anymore if I'm sticking around through a tough situation for someone who really likes me and really needs me, or if I'm letting myself be treated poorly by someone who has realized I get very attached. Two temp jobs have fallen through in the span of the last week. What I thought was the best short story I'd ever written got rejected by the fucking magazine. I fell off the wagon with not drinking last night. Everything feels so fucked and pointless.

Why would you do SH or SSH? You have a heart full of love and dedication and that is exactly what the world needs. Your goodwill is something that you carry with you and no one else can steal it from you.

Unfortunately, the answer is that I have BPD. And I think it's possible this entire thread was me splitting about her after she took me out of her bio. She messaged at midnight, apologizing that her phone had been taken from her by her abusive family, saying she had snuck into where they were keeping it but couldn't stay there long, but remembered the date had been important so she wanted to message briefly. She said we'd talk more when we could (about the bio thing) when she was able to get her phone again.

I did go to therapy for a long time, fwiw. It became far too expensive after being kicked off my parents' insurance. I've been trying to find like free online therapy for a while now. Also though

Beware the Disney ideology that tells you A) that you're incomplete without that special someone

I am actually a romantic at heart so unfortunately this IS how I feel. I know my online presence doesn't really give that away much, but it's true. I've consistently been in relationships for most of my life and I still genuinely believe that some people are happier with a partner and will eventually find one who lasts. Part of the reason I am so hung up on this specific girl is that when we're together in person, she's everything I've always been looking for a partner. Almost to more of a degree than I thought I would ever find. But unfortunately, since things are tough in her life right now, I constantly fear losing her to the cruel whims of her abusive family. I'm going to give her a chance to explain herself, at least.

This is a good thing to recognize, and I think I struggle with this myself, but it is indicative of work that you need to do. Dependence on a partner for emotional stability is always going to fail.
It's a hard truth, but nobody is going to care about your feelings and support you in life like you will. Nobody is going to advocate for you like you will.

I'm sorry but this isn't how it works for me. I strongly believe that some of us were meant to be in partnerships. I know it doesn't come off at all with all the macabre stuff I'm into, but I'm sincerely a hopeless romantic at heart. I don't buy that people have to learn to be happy alone or that it's even a good thing to feel complete without a partner (aro comrades willingly excluded of course). I do think there's a lot to the idea of being the best version of yourself that you can be in order to be the "you" that your future partner deserves, but that isn't quite the same as being happy without a partner.

Also, just for what it's worth, it isn't the relationship that makes me want to KMS. It's the times that i'm worried for a week plus that I've lost her to circumstances totally out of my reach because of how things are going in her life. It's the absences. When she's there, in person, it's amazing. Like... everything I ever wanted amazing.

I hope all of that made sense and doesn't feel hostile. I know this can be a touchy subject for me, but hexbear being hexbear I want to engage you as a comrade.

That sounds terrible I'm so sorry. Ending this would be devastating. I want so so badly to be there for this person who is so sweet to me in person and clearly NEEDS someone to be on her side for once. But the thing where she took me out of her bio really feels close to a last straw. That's like... taking away even the token gesture that I mean anything. At least, that's how it feels. And I'm the kind of person who really breaks down without an affectionate partner in my life.

Shit, some of that sounds too familiar. But she isn't reserved when she's around me in person, all of the bad stuff happens when we're apart and over text. That's part of why this is so fucking hard. In person she seems so genuinely loving, she's literally cried in my arms once and always tells me how safe and cared for I make her feel. But then as soon as I'm all of eleven fucking minutes down the road... this. For what it's worth I know her mom is abusive for a fact because I witnessed her mistreating this girl while she was unaware I was hiding in a closet (she almost walked in on us and is legally blind). But usually keeping me in limbo only to reach out every so often with sudden, intense, meaningful shit is exactly how it's been. And I have "15 page love note" amounts of love to give someone like her so it's very fucking hard to want to leave. Even if it's like... what am I even leaving at this point? Lonely lights where I slit my wrists and cry myself to sleep?
I want to give her ONE chance to explain herself. But even that's hard because she's never there, and it feels like I can't even start finding a new person before I give her a chance to fess up to whatever is going on.

You don't think living with an abusive parent and being in classes can give her a pass for a while as far as prioritizing me? The absences are fucking me up less than the back and forth.

I keep telling myself there are extenuating circumstances but with each new thing they seem less extenuating. Her family, who she lives with, are abusive and she is mistreated. I know this one is true because I witnessed it firsthand. So I always figured the vanishing was genuinely because they restrict her ability to talk to people. And she'd always insinuate we weren't together yet, and say she really wanted to be but felt like we needed to wait.
But her family didn't fucking make her take me out of her bio. That one is all her and she had to go out of her way to do it.
edit: i don't know if it'll seem silly to be so upset by that, but when you regularly go a week without hearing from someone, having that ONE little fucking acknowledgement of your bond with them ends up meaning a lot.

It's hard to usually feel like she's leading me on with how serious it always gets. Like it isn't some well maaaaaybe thing, it's just an awful back and forth where she insists both parts are true. But like if you really loved someone "more than anyone" why insist on not being in a relationship and take them out of your bio? She goes as far as talking about like future plans! I just don't understand