mentalhealth

A pretty common saying, and I guess it makes sense from the outside. But what does that mean if I'm that person? Like what am I supposed to do if I'm just completely unable to "help myself"? It's a good way to excuse yourself for not being able to help someone that needs help, but that person doesn't stop existing when you say that. *Something* has to happen with them. What is that something? (Note: I'm not in a crisis or anything at the moment. I'm not going to do something like hurt myself any time soon. It's just a general observation about that statement combined with my general lack of ability to help myself or even ask for help.)

 [CW: racism] Hey guys did you know that Palestine is all evil baby eating hamas arabs. Hahahahaha I hate how media poisoned the people in my life are. White people are fucking racist

I don't know where to start, I don't even how much I can say. But I need to say some things just to get them off my chest *somewhere* that I might be understood. My fiance and I broke up last summer. I knew it was coming, it was even mutual, but it still hurt immensely. I have BPD and deal **very** poorly with being alone. I met some people online, largely in kink spaces as I tend to do well and have fun there. One of them stood out to me. She told me a lot of things about herself. Her terrible home life, general isolation, mistreatment by family, lack of anyone who understood or really cared. We seemed to have a lot of shared interests, and it sometimes seemed like every time I'd express something I liked she'd be about it too. She told me again and again how much I meant to her, how I was the only one who truly cared in the way she needed. She made me feel like I had always wished someone would, at first. Things started getting weird, eventually. Some of you have probably seen my other post about it. Strange long absences, excuses as to why we couldn't date (even though she "wanted to"). I thought so strongly that I was being there for someone who really loved me and needed someone who wouldn't leave. She even told me people always left her, which since I have BPD and know exactly what that's like, really ensured I'd stick around. I wrote love notes, bought presents even though I hadn't physically seen her in over a month. I was so sure she was really going through some terrible things. I found out a few days ago that everything about her was a lie. Every single feature of her, everything she told me. Her family didn't even mistreat her. Literally everything about her was invented to get me to do something I otherwise would never have. Her lie was so bad I'm in serious trouble now, and don't know how to live with myself given what I was manipulated into doing. This might destroy my entire life. I feel so hurt, so betrayed, and so used. I don't even understand why she did it. None of it makes sense to me. I'm so sorry.

Folks showed up at my place this morning to tell me they're concerned about my mental health, and want me to spend a few days getting help starting tomorrow. Not sure what this is gonna look like, but I'mm be on and offline over the next few days I assume. Love you all, and see you soon!

My drug use (nicotine, alcohol, kratom, weed) has sky rocketed lately. Normally a sign of manic state starting, just constantly trying to find the chemical that will calm me down. I turn into a raging asshole when I'm manic and I really don't want to be that person again. Things aren't good my friends.

i realize this is incredibly privileged that i’m even capable of doing this, but i’m thinking about just going away for a while. selling everything i own, dropping my lease, cutting contact with the few friends and family i have left, and just… leaving. is that crazy? am i crazy? i’m just so fucking tired, so fucking tired of being the person that i am. or at least pretending to be the person that i was in front of the people i know.

Like damn yo I am cleaning this apartment UP and like totally restructuring my life in a healthier and more productive and more focused way I wish I could do these things steadily and consistently instead of being debilitated for a week and then having superhuman drive for a few days but like for right now I'm just gonna ride the wave Root for me

I don't know what to do anymore. I'm involved with someone who keeps disappearing. She has a difficult home situation so I'm really understanding about her vanishing. But she's giving me emotional whiplash which is driving me to self-harm. I am losing count of how many nights I've cried myself to sleep over her. She tells me she loves me more than anyone, then tells me that actually we aren't "together". She tries to 'check in' and says she never wants me to feel like she's using me, then says I'm her "number one person", then does whatever I told her hurts me again and again. She took me out of her bio on the one app we chat on, sometime in the last 2 weeks while I've been sick, and I've spent the last 24 hours very nearly suicidal. When I asked two of my closest friends if they think I'm letting myself be mistreated, they both said yes. I don't know how to deal with this. I wrote this girl a 15 page note which might be the sweetest thing I've ever written someone which I had told her I'd show her today and instead I find out she's taken me out of her bio and there's no sign of her at all (she hasn't responded to any messages in 12 days). We'd talked about her moving in with me in the future, and she seemed to want it very badly, but we're not "together"? I am so hurt and confused. I don't know how to deal with this. I've trusted her in a way I hadn't trusted anyone in a long time and now it feels like that choice could have been a mistake and if it WAS it will destroy me.

I had a lot going for me between a number of people over the past few weeks, until last night when I started feeling inexplicably down. I turned down 2 people who wanted to come see my band tonight since I know I wouldn't want to talk to them (or anyone, honestly) tonight, and im thinking about just calling things off. It's so much work, and I don't even know what im looking for in a person. I seem to self sabotage my relationships after a few years anyways, so what's the point? Even the people who wanna keep things casual, im seriously THIS close to sending messages tonight saying "hey, I need to step back, let's not talk for a while."

Lately I've been feeling really frayed, like anything could push me into a spiral or a panic attack. Earlier today I burst into tears because I stumbled over my words while explaining individualism in class. I don't know whats been going on with me, I just wanted to vent.

I have made terrible choices and burned through all my savings in a year I've been like this for as long as I can remember but it's getting worse that's the post I can't think straight enough to elaborate right now, sorry stay safe out there

 Why am I forced to take part in this?

For context, I'm near Vancouver and am fortunate enough to have a non-zero amount of insurance. I'm over 30 and have felt disconnected from friends and have had difficulty forming relationships any closer than "friendly acquaintance" my entire adult life. I am the kind of person internet liberals are thinking of when they say "LOL, guys will do anything except get therapy", except that I am desperately trying to get therapy, so it grates on me when I see people say that. The problem is, I find myself so distracted my my own frustration (and by the problems that I'm trying to get therapy for) that I am just not in a good place to make the phone calls, fill out the forms, and keep getting disappointed when I don't find what I'm looking for. It feels like a sick Catch-22: I am not mentally healthy enough to jump through the hoops it's going to take to get mental health support. - I'm a grad student and I've tried going through the school's Health and Counseling services. I contacted them in May of this year. The earliest I was able to get an appointment with them was in July. That was just an intake appointment -- the ACTUAL appointments with my assigned therapist (another grad student) started in September, and due to scheduling conflicts, I won't have a second one until a few weeks into October. Also, I'm only allowed four meetings with them before I'm back on the waiting list. - I asked my doctor to refer me to someone for mental health support. She referred me to a hospital, and the hospital called me while I was on an airplane. I've tried calling them back several times and ended up having to leave my number on their answering machine. My doctor's schedule is very packed and it's hard to get a hold of her. - So, I tried a service offered through the school's student health insurance. I was able to get an appointment this week. However, it's still only 6 meetings. I'll take what I can get at this point, but that's not what I need. - I do have some insurance and would consider private therapy, but I know it's going to be a nightmare to figure out how much it covers, what it covers, and to find a therapist who is actually able to accept the insurance I have. I've had this problem with e.g. massage therapy, where in spite of a note from my doctor, I was still paying most of the cost of the massage therapy, even when I did find a massage therapist that accepted my insurance, and I assume the same thing would happen for mental health therapy. In the appointment I had to today (the first of 6) I mentioned that I've had a lot of thoughts about suicide, and the counselor asked what keeps me going on. I said, part of it is that I know that long-term solutions exist, that ongoing therapy is a real thing that people do, but that I just can't access it right now. She said "Hmm, that sounds frustrating". I said, if you, a professional in the field of counseling, can't give me ANY idea as to what I'm supposed to do to get the help I'm looking for, then who can? She has said she will look into existing resources, but I am rapidly losing hope. One of the standard questions that gets asked is "Do you currently have any plans to do harm to yourself or others," i.e. do I have any plans to commit suicide. The honest answer is, no, I don't. I sure think about it a lot, but it's not something I've ever had any specific plans to do. It's never been that bad -- I've just felt really, really bad for years in a way that wears at me over time. So, what I'm seriously wondering now is, what would happen if I walked into an emergency room at a hospital and said "I am going to kill myself if I do not receive ongoing low-cost therapy", and then screamed at the top of my lungs until they either helped me or had me thrown out by security? At this point, I have to consider all my options.

i've done it before so i know it's gonna be ok but i'm pretty anxious right now edit: thanks so much everybody. i read through the responses a few times yesterday. i didn't drink yesterday and im not gonna drink today edit: i didn't drink yesterday and i'm not gonna drink today edit: i didn't drink yesterday and i'm not gonna drink today edit: i didn't drink yesterday and i'm not gonna drink today edit: i didn't drink yesterday and i'm not gonna drink today edit: i didn't drink yesterday and i'm not gonna drink today edit: i didn't drink yesterday and i'm not gonna drink today. seven full 24 hour days alcohol-free! edit: i didn't drink yesterday and i'm not gonna drink today edit: i didn't drink yesterday and i'm not gonna drink today Edit: I didn't drink yesterday and I'm not gonna drink today edit: i didn't drink yesterday and i'm not gonna drink today Edit: I didn't drink yesterday and I'm not gonna drink today edit: i didn't drink yesterday and i'm not gonna drink today edit: fourteen days! pretty good start, i haven't strung 14 days together too often. i think i'll only post again if i feel like i need it.

Didn't sleep from Thursday night to Saturday night, and did some late night unhinged posting on my personal socials. Nothing crazy, just talking about cops dying and stuff. Guess some of my cousins reached out to my ma to let them know they're worried, which in turn made my folks really worried. We're gonna have a video call tomorrow and just....hang out and talk. Was I angry and unhinged? Absolutely. Am I doing better after getting some sleep? Also absolutely. Still feel bad for making people worry, even if I'm not super close with my family. Reached out to a few people and made some apologies. I think my anger stems from my recent life upheaval leaving me feeling....defeated. That's been leading me to last out. Not at anyone specifically, just at the world. To put it in other words, I'm letting my mask slip. I'm not really talking to many friends about it, which is a clear fault of mine, and something that I can easily remedy. I also met a new person on Tinder last night that I think is gonna be really good for me, for a few reasons that I won't get into publicly, so that's been something nice that's happened recently (date with the commie didn't work out again). I dont really know what else to say here. I'll be around if anyone wants to talk I guess. Love you all <3

This is probably going to ruffle some feathers so I'm going to preface this by a series of points that I'm *not* making before I get to the argument itself to pre-empt kneejerk reactions (skip the bullet points if you just want to read what my argument is): * I'm not addressing a statement like "You don't hate Mondays, you hate capitalism" * I'm not arguing that capitalism doesn't aggravate serious mental illness * I'm not arguing that capitalism doesn't cause or, at the very least, exacerbate minor mental health struggles to develop into full-blown chronic mental illness * I'm not saying that capitalism doesn't profit from mental illness * I'm not saying that capitalism doesn't intentionally exploit neurodivergence * I am taking the position that chronic mental illness is a part of disability. Disabilities vary and some can be intermittent but they still pose a significant impact on the ability of an individual to participate in society in the way that they would like to. On to the argument... Oftentimes you hear people saying variations on the phrase "*It's not you, it's capitalism*!" in response to discussions of mental illness. While the sentiment is well-intentioned, I do not believe that it's a statement which is truly radical but rather one which is aesthetically radical by invoking (superficial) critique of capitalism but at the same time which masks crypto-individualism and which fails to grasp the nature of material conditions while unintentionally dismissing and minimising the impacts of chronic and disabling mental illness. Since we are discussing disabling mental illness, let's use physical disability as an analogy to help illuminate my position. Imagine a person who is a permanent wheelchair user who cannot access a building because it only has steps and no access ramp: "*I can't get into the building because I can't get up the stairs*" "*It's not you, it's capitalism!*" Well, no. It *is* in fact you. Ignoring this fact is not empowering and it distracts from the very real and present material conditions that a disabled person faces by shifting a discussion about present conditions and personal limitations to an abstract discussion about structural issues is not an act of allyship but ultimately it serves to diffuse and even silence the frustration that a disadvantaged person experiences. This is why it's pseudo-radicalism. If that person lost function in their legs because of an industrial accident, would it be radical to respond with "*It's not you, it's the lack of workplace safety regulations*"? Of course not. Regardless of *how* that permanent wheelchair user came to be a permanent wheelchair user, the fact is that they experience disability as a personal limitation. That person would *still* be disabled if they lived in the wilderness, outside of capitalism. That person would *still* be disabled in a socialist society. Denying this reality is denying the nature of disability and in doing so it's false equality because, while many of the struggles that a temporarily-able person experiences would no longer exist outside of capitalism this fact does not necessarily carry over to disabled people. Just like colour-blindness serves to deny, diffuse, and whitewash the present-day struggles of people of colour and the ongoing history of racial oppression, so too does this attitude of what I'm going to call "able-blindness" achieve the same thing for people with disability and chronic mental illness. A person of colour who faces poverty due to intergenerational poverty and systemic factors like exclusion from education and employment is not going to be comforted by a person saying "*You're not poor, it's because of capitalism*"; two things can be true at once and identifying one of the major causes or aggravating factors does not change the nature of poverty. Accurately identifying the etiology of a problem is not an inherently liberatory act. To return to the point, a seriously depressed person is going to struggle to get out of bed regardless of the political economy they experience their depression under.  I would urge people to consider what their intentions are when they say "*It's not you, it's capitalism*"; is it to raise class consciousness? Is it an act of solidarity? Is it something else? If you intend to raise class consciousness then I would urge you to consider whether you are approaching the discussion with a person with disability from a place of expertise in their own lives and their circumstances. If you intend to act in solidarity then I would urge you to consider whether you are approaching the discussion with a person with disability from a place where your own subjugation is given preference over those who are more marginalised than you, and in effect perpetuating this marginalisation. We should expect better of our comrades and of ourselves.

Especially how suddenly they will turn on said people. They can dismiss and dehumanize someone they brand as crazy without any remorse. Scratch a liberal and a fascist bleeds, I guess.

By and large, it's been 7 days since my partner called things off and 9 days since I lost my job, and I'm doing ok all things considered. Just not having the best day today so far. Laid in bed feeling my heart race and trying to nap on and off until 230PM today.

There's been a festering rot inside my brain for the past few years and it's the internal equivalent of a Lovecraftian horror for me. Try as I might, when viewed from my feeble perspective, I can't make full sense of it, and my brain shuts down trying to examine it. The rot has, unfortunately and quite pathetically, throbbed particularly at the accusations from anonymous internet users who I don't know and don't know me that Hexbear is full of bad actors cosplaying as marginalized people. To that, I say, well done, you've successfully triggered a self-doubt crisis that's been brewing in my head for years to flare up once more. I don't care about your opinions, but they have activated my mental necronomicon to begin its own audiobook playthrough. I'll cut the pageantry and just start rambling. In 2019, I went on a birthright trip to Israel that ultimately broke my brain enough to have both a political and general identity crisis. In 2019, I joined the /r/SandersForPresident discord, and, on a whim, decided to mark myself under she/her pronouns. I don't know how I convinced myself to do that. I think the plausible deniability was the classic 'opsec' bit. A week later, I'm running a 104ºF fever, laying in a hotel bed, clutching my stomach and crying, half because I feel like shit, half because I don't know who I am and I hate it. That's my direct pinpoint for the moment of ego death which both sent me on a straight trajectory leftwards and plunged me into a gender-identity crisis. At the tail-end of that trip, without much time to let it settle, I confessed to my parents that I was having this crisis, and they recommended I talk to my therapist about it. I mentioned it once, and never followed through. I stopped regular therapy sessions a year later, due to scheduling issues. I'm a very socially-malleable person. I can rarely bring myself to say 'no' to accommodating someone, and I find myself almost bending-over-backwards trying to find the optimal 'path of least inconvenience onto others' to live my life, almost instinctively. I have a rather overactive guilt instinct that flares up the second I feel I'm burdening someone or causing them to feel uncomfortable. I just, I don't know, I have a very low self-esteem that's been built over the past couple of decades by being unhealthily-introverted and always having to be actively self-aware of the specific ways in which my rather severe ADHD inconveniences the people around me. I flaked. I faltered. The instinct overtook, and I just couldn't bring myself to push further, so I slinked back into the closet for everything but my online presence. In the past four years, I have made no effort to socially transition or even experiment, partially due to my neuroses, partially because the rot, and mostly due to the feedback loop between them, and it makes me miserable. Let me explain what the rot is. The rot is dysphoria. Or it could not be dysphoria. It seems rather keen to convince me that it's not dysphoria in the same breath that it tries to reinforce that I'm actually a cis man cosplaying as a trans woman on the internet and that I should feel ashamed of myself for deceiving others with my pathetic tapestry cosplay of womanhood. One example of the feedback loop that takes place in my head is as follows: I'm a full-time student. I live in a college dorm. I have a roommate who's got g*mer-style reactionary brainworms. I don't have a job. I have a full schedule of classes and cannot make time for a job due to how awkward it is to work around. I don't have the funds in my personal bank account to purchase feminine clothing to experiment with. I don't want to buy it on my credit card because it's attached to my parents' bank account; I both feel guilty that I'd consider buying clothes on a whim on my parents' money that I might not even wear full-time, and paranoid that they'd see and ask me about the purchase. Where would I even try it on? I don't trust my roommate to have good views on this stuff. If I keep it in my room, my mom uses my closet because she has too much clothes for her closet and I'm at college, and she doesn't wear skirts. Then the rot chimes in, and tells me I'm clearly not that desperate to figure out my gender, because I can't even muster up the courage to even experiment with myself. This feeds into my neuroses and self-denigration. Rinse and repeat.  Thinking about long hair? You get haircuts with your family from a family-friend who operates out of your basement. Describing it as a mullet doesn't sit right with you. You have to sit in front of your parents and explain why you're feeling the sudden style change. The usual short cut it is. Oh hey, here's the rot, telling you you clearly don't want it enough. Thank you, very helpful  My little sister came out to me recently. I'm happy for her. I love her for it. Here's the rot coming to make me feel inferior to her because, look, here's an example of someone painting their nails, growing their hair, using she/her pronouns with her close friends, experimenting with names, and you're doing nothing. Fucking nothing. You're lying to yourself. Get over yourself. Admit it.  Half the time I want to eviscerate all body hair on my person, half the time I just want to sit and rot because a deep self-image nihilism just roots itself into my brain. And then two weeks into my facial hair growing I feel sick looking at myself and so uncomfortable laying down with the constant reminder that yes, there is hair under my chin, that I inevitably shave it all off. I find myself constantly, entirely off-hand, just going into episodes where I fall into a ten-minute rut where a stray thought hits me where I think "I wish I was a girl" and I fall into a loop where I have brain-genius thoughts such as "What if I'm saying that consciously to myself and I don't actually want it and I'm just deluding myself" and more of the unhinged self-denigrating rationalization greatest hits. There's times where I'm laying down and just simply trying to will a feeling of having boobs by focusing on my chest because it just *feels nice* in my mind, and then the rot steps in and chastises me for, I guess, something fetishistic, something wrong, something fundamentally perverted.  ::: spoiler Speaking of fetishes (cw: personal kink-shit but actually relevant) I got into transformation (specifically gender-related) shit at like 14, unlimited access to pornography and it's consequences, and that absolutely amps up the "You're just a fetishizer trying to get your sick kicks pretending to be a woman" bit, and the worst part about it is that I can't even tell if it's a fetish or if it's just a suppressed desire to be a woman manifesting itself as one. I don't know which came first. I don't know anymore. I can't parse it. I don't know. I hate it. ::: I just hate this shit so much. I couldn't focus in class today because I was just wrought with an identity doom spiral and cloud of just fucking aaaaaaaggggggggggGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH    Anyways, I'm using this as a lynchpin to restart therapy. I'm going to be firm on forcing it as an issue. I need to process this with professionals at this point; it's a web that I cannot untangle by myself. I just needed to vent a little.

I've been dealing with a massive flare up of chronic fatigue syndrome (as well as a fun grab bag of other conditions), sleeping 12-14 hours a day and still get completely exhausted doing shit like making the bed or climbing the stairs. My wife's condition is even worse, literally life threatening so she had to rely on me for everything at the moment, all the way from normal shit like cooking too staying awake while she sleeps to monitor her vitals. My house is a fucking super fund site with dishes and laundry piling up, my green house is starting to die right when I should be getting my biggest harvest. Just realized I have a leaky pipe in the basement and mold is growing on shit but I just can't fucking deal with it at the moment. I feel like I'm literally dying and I wish I was dead constantly. I'm not really suicidal but every time something new goes wrong all I can think about is putting a gun in my mouth. We live in bumfuck Appalachia and don't have any family or friends close enough to lend support. I doubt there's a social program in the whole country that would help in this situation and do there sure as shit isn't one in rural areas. I know the only way out is through but I just don't know how much more I can take before I fully break.

I posted about this back in April/May when the situation was going down, but the TL;DR is I had told some friends things in confidence, and they betrayed my trust on top of ghosting me. I've done a pretty good job of letting it go the past few months, been working through it in therapy, but my insomnia fucked me last night and it's definitely making my brain fucky today. Seeing my psych today, so hopefully they can give me a few days of help until my body levels out (DRASTICALLY cutting back my drinking, which explains the insomnia). I guess I'm just still hurt. They all deserve each other. Fuck 'em. Thanks for coming to my TED talk.

Problem with my meds today. Turns out the label was wrong on one of them and I was taking more than prescribed since I never bothered to check it since my doctor and I agreed no changes were needed. Now I'm out of pills and can't get a refill until like a week from today. My dad is pissed off at me again for no reason. His advice for dealing with withdrawing off the meds "don't act crazy" thanks guy. ffs now I have to wait on pins and needles today if my doctor will phone me in a new script so I don't have to go through a week of brain zaps and feeling like shit.

I always just assumed it was because of my ADHD or other mental stuff, but I am always tired no matter how much I sleep. I've had this problem since about puberty and doctors can't give me an answer. I just find it hard to be motivated. Everything is a huge effort and I find it hard to keep on top of all the shit we need to do to maintain our lives. I am so sick of having to constantly cook and clean and maintain things. Everything is such a slog. How do you people find the energy to do anything other than work? By the time I've finished my University work, I can't be assed doing anything else.

So, I've been working on therapy for the longest time with no true "changes" in sight. Last meeting, the therapist tried to make me admit that I didn't wanted to do the coop work I'm assigned to do. (Short story: I live in a coop rental unit and I'm on the maintenance team and we're supposed to teint the first balcony since a while, but it's been raining every two days). Which I get, I should be able to admit to myself that sometimes, I don't wanna do stuff that I'm supposed to do - but it's a dead-end. The voice telling me that I should do what I need to do for the greater good (the other members of the coop) is really strong at judging my perceived laziness. Even though I don't wanna do it (at this moment), I cannot think that it is valid. Whatever, I'll be bringing that stuff back up Monday. It's just that I feel that if I listen to that will of not doing anything, I'd just be doing nothing at all, ever. Well, at least the constant rain give me an excuse. But I still should do it. I've already started. I hope you're doing well in your personal struggles. 

That's it, that's the post.  Other instances are looking pretty bad rn. Lots of bad faith lying and pro-war shit going on.

Haven't shaved in like a week, got a gnarly neckbeard growing: "Fuck this I'm so fucking gross and ugly why even both shaving I'll just be disgusting to look at no matter what." After shaving: "Oh wow I guess I am kind of pretty and I look good when I take care of myself" Proceed to not shave for another week. Rinse and repeat.

I'm in an extremely fucked-up situation and desperately want someone to talk to about it. I don't know if I'm just being crazy or if there's something to this. It's something deeply personal but also absolutely deranged in a lot of ways, which I'm keenly aware of. I'm asking here because talking to comrades I know share some views with me helps me get past my trust issues. I don't want to say too much about it publicly, but I would really appreciate talking to someone who considers themselves very non-judgemental. This involves some really personal shit, and choices a lot of people might disagree with to say the least. This is like... content warning: everything. It isn't an "Emergency" but it *is* pretty bad.

How do I stop my body from telling me to fuck off when I need to get shit done. ADHD doesn't help Should I go back on ADHD medication? I really don't like having to see a psych once a month to get it though... Shit's expensive (I feel bad for saying that though because it's wayyyy cheaper for me than my American comrades)

And I'm out of Vyvanse because it's out of stock at my nearest CVS. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA 

I may take marijuana since I live in a legal state. But other than what I'm already doing, how does one stop the flashbacks and what-not? I get them daily and even interpret reality by comparing my past experineces to what happened before. (I was abused by my narcisstic father up until relatively recently, btw.)

Trying to work through some things and I would like to not find a chapter on manifesting wealth or something. I know a lot of the mental health industry is guided by profit motives and sets the goal of healing as being productive, so finding psychological approaches that break away from that would be nice. Is there any author who talks about self-improvement who also acknowledges that work is bullshit?

# 

Im a chronic smoker and im on day 3 of a t break. Its medical so no one freak out. but yeah i use weed to help with anxiety and my stomach problems and I am dying. I feel so lame for going through weed withdrawal and struggling this much. I haven't slept in three days (ok I had two very short naps) and im dying. Im anxious about everything and im being honestly quite awful to my partner with my attitude and blowing up over small things. how much longer do you think i should power though? im trying to fix my attention span. any tips?

redsails.org

I feel like this is something neurotypicals get more than I do, but I feel like it's helped me. I tend to default to people I'm talking to being earnest and sincere, even if I come off as cynical when I discuss politics. I've reread this and it's attendant socialist essay by Roderic Day a bunch of times, and I keep remembering conversations it could be about

What's happening to me what does this mean?! 

Can't enjoy anything without thinking things like "Wow the moral of this is awful." or "Well that was obvious propaganda" 

This is a very intense realization I had today. Everything I do that makes me happy, I do because me being miserable hurts people I care for. I think about the people I love and I just don’t feel that way about myself in any way. If you ask me for my strengths and weaknesses, I can list weaknesses for days but struggle to come up with more than a strength or two. I’m not stupid or incompetent or cruel. I’m not isolated or even super unhappy. I just don’t really value any of the good qualities I have. I don’t think I hate myself. I’m more just indifferent towards my own existence.

I think there's value in writing about your thoughts, and I find that I'm able to do so more clearly if I imagine that I have an audience. I hope it's okay if I use this space for that purpose. I've been struggling to get up and do things recently. This is a problem, since I'm in the middle of doing a master's degree, and I have people to answer to. I'm lucky to live in a part of the world where at least lip service is paid to mental health, but that doesn't entail as much practical help as I would like. It mostly just means that, if I use the phrase "mental health" when I explain why I'm having difficulty getting things done, I get some verbal demonstrations of sympathy from the people I'm talking to. I have gone to counseling for various problems over the past decade or so. Sometimes it's helpful, sometimes it's not. If nothing else, I think I'm getting better at talking to counselors. What I would really like is to have a therapist I could talk to regularly in the long term, but therapy is expensive. There are free/sliding scale options, but there's usually some kind of catch -- either I have to wait a long time, or the person I'm talking to is a graduate student and not yet 100% confident in the field, and in either case, I spend every session knowing that our connection will be temporary. I have my pronouns listed as [any], so my relationship with gender is a bit complicated (yet another reason for me to want a therapist), but for most practical purposes in everyday life, I present as a man. At the very least, I'm enough of a man to feel attacked when I see people on the internet saying "Men will do anything to avoid going to therapy lol". I'm making a sincere effort to get into therapy, and when I see people say "lol go to therapy idiots" it feels dismissive, like my problems are just a punchline. I don't enjoy being taunted for not having access to something I need. It is difficult for me to talk about my problems, knowing that they are seen as either a punchline, or a burden (e.g. the dynamic of men making the people around them act as their therapists) or otherwise just unworthy of sympathy. If you take nothing else away from this post, please, if you've been saying "go to therapy" as a way to dismiss people online, consider finding something more nuanced you could say that allows for the barriers people experience in getting the help they need. I was looking at my old posts here, since some of them have resurfaced with the new website. I found [this one](https://hexbear.net/post/68458) in which I talk about my difficulty in forming connections with people at the age of 29. I remember breaking into a sweat when I saw one of the comments describe my problems as "not trivial" and emphasize how much more difficult it is to solve your mental health problems when you're in your 30s than when you're younger. I'm still panicking about that now, because I'm a couple years older and not much has improved. Okay, if I'm being objective, some things have improved. I have been on a few dates that didn't end up going anywhere, and gotten slightly more comfortable asking people out -- not a lot of yes's, but at least the no's have been polite. I've also made a conscious effort to show more appreciation to the people around me (e.g. letting friends know what I like about them, sending them a message on their birthdays). It feels like I'm still just doing the bare minimum of being a person in a society. It also still feels like a constant drag, like I'm having to initiate every interaction. I still have difficulty incorporating physical affection into my life, although I suppose I hug people goodbye more often than I used to. But my needs in this area are not being fulfilled, and I've still never had any romantic relationship or had sex (which I'm realizing is a symptom rather than a problem, although I would really like to experience physical intimacy with someone I like and who likes me back). When I think about my excuses for not doing things to improve my life, I always come back to how "busy" I am. It occurred to me recently that, in my adult life, I've never really had what you'd call a "vacation". I've had periods between jobs where I was looking for work and perhaps working for other projects, but I've never consciously set some time aside when I would just go somewhere or do something for leisure. Oh, I've spent plenty of time doing unproductive things (e.g. playing mindless games, watching YouTube videos) but with a bit of clarity, I think maybe that is my junk-food way of trying to fulfill the need of taking a genuine break. I've recently tried to honour my weekends by actually not working (my thesis advisor said that she doesn't expect me to work on weekends -- I really lucked out, and I realize I'm fortunate to have supportive people in my life, but it also put into stark relief the degree to which all of my problems are caused by myself. I sometimes joke that my parents only ever wanted me to be happy, and I couldn't even succeed at *that*.) Like, when I think about looking for a date, the first thing that occurs to me is how much time and effort that's going to take, when I'm already tired all the time. Mood-wise, I've been fluctuating lately. There were moments today when I was on the verge of tears, and a brief but sincere moment when I seriously considered going to an emergency room at a hospital and telling them I was having suicidal thoughts, not so much because I think I'm likely to commit suicide any time soon, but so that I could avoid having to work tomorrow and maybe even get access to some mental health resources quickly instead of having to wait for my first appointment a month from now. Other times, I feel some amount of clarity and calm -- I think that's how I'm feeling right now -- but the despair is there underneath. I think the way I'm processing emotions is improving, or at least changing -- I don't distract myself from negative emotions as much as I used to, and I think there are times when I feel positive emotions more intensely than before. For example, I've found myself physically laughing at jokes I hear in podcasts or in shows I watch. This is a far cry from the typical internet "slightly exhaling air from my nostrils" laughter. I have a friend who asked me how I was doing about a month ago. I said "fine", and in a well-intentioned attempt to be positive, he said "Just fine? Why not wonderful?" I noticed that his asking me that made me feel bad, because I had trouble imagining how I could possibly feel "wonderful" for more than a brief, fleeting moment. Honestly, the day before, I wasn't even "fine". "Fine" was an upgrade for me. I talked with my friend about how that was my reaction to his question -- emphasizing that he didn't do anything wrong, I just wanted to share what was going on with me -- and he listened and seemed generally sympathetic, even if he didn't completely understand. He's a good person and I wish I was able to have that kind of positive effect on the people around me. So, that's where I am right now. I don't think there was much of a narrative to what I just said, but the purpose was to help me process my own thoughts and emotion, and I think that it served that purpose, because I feel a bit better now than I did when I started. I am not in a state of utter hopelessness and despair, but I am definitely in a state of mixed motions, some of which is hopelessness and despair. I can't reasonably expect anyone to respond to that mess, let alone respond substantively, but I do appreciate responses.

every single person involved failed me on that day - i'm including myself - my therapist failed me the week of - my surgeon or anyone at the hospital never really asked one last time if this is what i wanted - my friends fucking pushed back on me when i said i'm not doing it - and i didn't believe in myself when i had my last chance to say no i have nightmares about this. i think about this every day and have to take time to recover from it. currently catching my breath from sobbing bc i tried to explain how i felt to someone trying to understand (and doing their best) i feel like i'm in a never ending nightmare about this and *everyone wants to to take my time for their sake* i'm wrote a fucking suicide note last week. it's a through, proper note. i have a plan now. i'm like ready to go when things are too much. i'm going to push towards phallo, but like holy fuck can't somebody just trust me? i'm like so broken and barely stringing days together anymore there are no resources for trans girls who want to undo vaginoplasty and not detrans. there's nothing. i'm alone and i'm so fucking broken

They suffer from PTSD due to childhood trauma, and have been in therapy and working with psychiatrists for years. Recently, they took a genetic test that helps doctors figure out what psych meds work with your body, and what don't. The result of this is their doctor instructing them to get off Lexapro, and on to something else, which they are currently doing. I've noticed a negative personality shift from them the past week or two while they've been doing this, and they have admitted to me that, in their words, "I'm angry all the time, at everything, and I don't like feeling this way." Last night, they came home and told me they didn't feel like talking. Ok, sure, let me cook dinner and let's watch comfort slop together. This morning, they informed me that they were feeling suicidal yesterday. I think this post might just be me venting. I know there's no way I can help with their brain stuff while the new meds kick in, but at least I can keep things light and breezy when we're together, and try to make things smooth at home for them and keep them comfortable. This isn't really negatively affecting my mood or anything, I'm doing fine, I just...I guess I hurt for them a little bit. I wish there was some button I could press, or a magic fix that I could give them to make the bad feelings go away. Does anyone have any experience in situations like this? What is your recommendation? I've encouraged them to tell their doctors about these feelings, but in hindsight - they've been in psych holds before and hated it, so I'd worry about that happening again. Anyways, thanks for coming to my ted talk.